Rut (for Janice)

I am in a rut! I had an incredibly moving, motivating, painful, inspiring, inspired, creative, risk-taking semester before winter break, and whether because I'm afraid to go back there again or I'm just tired--or probably both--I've slipped back into my familiar, complacent/apathetic rut. While this rut is familiar and dangerously welcoming, I'm not longer comfortable in it. I've begun to notice a distinct nauseous, physically painful feeling in my body when I'm stuck and numb (strange, that I should feel something when I'm numb... oxymoronic? yes. true? also, yes) and unengaged.

Hence, this blog. This is a way for me to follow through on the things I have committed to--leading a fuller life, having more adventures, learning and making mistakes. I feel obligated to you all to continue posting and, secondarily, obligated to myself to follow through with this resolution. I hope to switch my priorities so that sticking to this resolution is less painful and more enjoyable and so that not letting myself down is the most important factor in keeping true to my word.

Something that I know will help me with this resolution, but that I am having trouble accepting gracefully, is the death of my DVD player. I had given up watching TV addictively a few months ago, and to my dismay, slowly began to watch DVDs addictively in its place. It was very difficult for me to turn off my DVD player and be with myself in the silence of my room, or play music instead--there is something comforting to me about seeing and hearing another human in the room with me, even if it is a 2D fictional person speaking and moving quietly in the background. So yesterday when my DVD player quietly broke, I desperately tried disc after disc hoping that maybe it was a disc-error and not a problem with the machine.

Now that I do not watch or have cable in my room, nor a way to watch movies (except my laptop, which I abhor watching movies on), I have myself, my music, my writing and my imagination. And my knitting. I am in the process of learning to inspire myself and not rely on the short-cut method of finding inspiration. I was able to do this for my thesis last year, and change almost entirely the way in which I live my life and the person I want to become, and I know I can do it again now. I am taking direction from my fellow blogger, Janice (grapejuicemusings.blogspot.com... I recommend following it!) and pushing myself to do anything and everything I can to be the writer I know I can be and lead the life I am inspired to lead.

Learning lots,
Monica